


Nothing. Everything.

by Lixel



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coping, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26651965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lixel/pseuds/Lixel
Summary: “You did the dishes,” Connor then commented, nodding towards the sink.“Don’t mention it.”“It was my turn.”“I had nothing to do, it's not a big deal.”You let him do all the housework because you can't even get out of bed most days. It’s not like he has homework to do.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 56





	Nothing. Everything.

**Author's Note:**

> I have one (1) healthy coping mechanism and it is called 'writing angst that turns into fluff'.  
> Enjoy what came out of it!  
> I wrote this instead of cleaning because we do be responsible adults,, (Also because I was too depressed to do anything else, ngl!)
> 
> (Thank you to my dear friend Gabe, who beta'd it. ly, xo)  
> English is not my native language, feel free to kindly point out any mistakes so I can improve! :)
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> \- Depression  
> \- Mentions of suicidal thoughts  
> \- Intrusive thoughts

It’s been that way for some time now. Certainly not more than two weeks, but time appeared to run by utterly slow these days, so who could even tell if it's been ten days or ten years.

Evan got out of bed around 8, as quietly as possible, to not wake the sleeping figure next to him. He felt him tossing and turning next to him until the early morning hours, so he figured Connor might need the extra sleep.

Connor, on the other hand, awoke not later than 8:30. Then again at 9:13. 9:47. 10:24.  
11:08. 11:37.  
His exhaustion didn't seem to disappear. But he wasn't surprised.  
Evan checked on him occasionally. Between 9:13 and 9:47 a glass of water and a granola bar appeared on the nightstand.

At 12:16 Connor decided that he probably would never be well-rested for the rest of his life, and sat up. He caught a quick glance at himself in the mirror opposite the bed.  
He looked awful, but that was really no surprise. His hair was all messed up, and the roots were greasy. When was the last time he washed his hair, anyway? He was glad he had enough energy to jump under the shower for 30 seconds every other day and brush his teeth after most meals.  
To be fair, he didn't take that many meals in, recently.

His pajamas felt gross on his body, even though he first took them out of the dresser three days ago. That's probably what happens when you spend the majority of your days in bed, he figured.

Just the second that he opened the closet door, Evan re-entered the bedroom.  
“You're up,” he greeted his boyfriend with a smile.  
“Wow, don’t you sound excited about that,” Connor shot back. He followed Evan’s gaze towards the untouched water glass and granola bar and felt guilt creeping up his back.

_He’s doing his best and the only thing you can do is being ungrateful._

“I’m making pasta for lunch,” Evan then let him know, “In case you want to eat something.”  
“I’m not hungry.”  
“When was the last time you ate something?”  
They both knew the answer to that.  
“Yesterday.”  
They both knew that was a lie.

“Con, I know I can't force you to eat,” Evan then sighed, taking Connor’s hand in his, “But it would make me very happy if you would.”  
“I think that's what they call ‘emotional blackmail’,” Connor squeezed Evan’s hand.  
“Is it working?”  
“I’ll be in the kitchen in five minutes.”

Evan’s lips formed into a smile. He leaned upwards and pressed a quick peck onto Connor's cheek.  
“Love you,” he said on his way out, causing Connor's heart to stutter. It's been two years and for some reason that still happened.

“It smells good,” Connor said plainly while entering the small kitchen.  
“It’s just garlic and onion so far,” Evan chuckled.  
“Still can smell good, can't it?”  
Connor made his way over to the coffee maker. He didn't bother to check if there was leftover coffee in the jug. Evan didn’t drink Coffee, it worsened his anxiety.

“Did you drink something today?” Evan asked casually while opening a can of crushed tomatoes.  
“I am making myself coffee now.”  
“I was talking about water.”  
“Coffee consists of water.”  
“And caffeine, which dehydrates again.”

Connor let out a sigh and opened the cupboard to get a glass and fill it up in the sink.  
“Happy?” he asked, raising the glass up to his mouth.  
“Very much so, thank you.” Evan threw a short glance at him, his lips curled up into a smile.

“You did the dishes,” Connor then commented, nodding towards the sink.  
“Don’t mention it.”  
“It was my turn.”  
“I had nothing to do, it's not a big deal.”

_You let him do all the housework because you can't even get out of bed most days. It’s not like he has homework to do._

Silence fell over them. The radio played an old song from the sixties, but Connor couldn't recall the name.  
For a few seconds, he watched his boyfriend stir in the frying pan. Then he took two steps towards Evan and wrapped his arms around his body.  
“Someone's cuddly today,” Evan said, leaning back into the embrace.  
“I’m always cuddly. Just like you. That's what makes this relationship so great,” Connor mumbled and buried his face in Evan's hair.  
“Silly me thought this relationship worked so well because of mutual understanding and communication.”  
“Someone thinks they're especially funny today.”

The coffee maker stopped making noises. But Connor didn’t move to pour himself a cup.  
“I love you too, by the way,” he said instead.  
“Hm?”  
“I forgot to say it earlier. When you left the bedroom. You said ‘love you’ and I didn’t respond.”  
Evan smiled and turned his head to look at Connor. Then, he pressed a short kiss onto his lips.  
Connor was just really glad he found the energy to brush his teeth a few minutes ago.

“I know,” Evan then chirped, turning his attention back to the stove.  
Connor scoffed.  
“A great boyfriend I got there, I tell him I love him and he just points out that he is aware.”  
“I already said it!” Evan laughed and turned around in Connor’s arms, “I love you.”  
A kiss, “I love you,” another kiss, “I love you,” another kiss.  
“And now I need space to drain the pasta. We’ll cuddle later.”

Connor’s stomach was filled with butterflies when he loosened the embrace around Evan and stepped back, a slight smile on his lips.

Trying not to be in each other’s way (an almost impossible thing in the small kitchen), Evan drained the pot of pasta in the sink, while Connor poured himself a cup of coffee.  
He then sat down at the table, the damping cup in his hand.

_How do you even deserve him? You don’t deserve him._

‘Shut up,’ Connor shot back inside his head.

“What are you thinking about?” Evan asked as he poured the drained pasta in the pot with the prepared sauce.  
“Nothing,” Connor said, staring into his cup, “Everything.”  
Evan just nodded. Connor was glad that he understood.

“Everything is so loud,” Connor murmured eventually, “But I don’t even know _what_ it is. It just is loud. Does that make even sense? Am I making sense?”  
“To me, you do,” Evan ensured him. “Are you… Are you having thoughts?”

Connor hated how casually they treated the topic of mental illness. It was good that they didn’t just pretend it didn’t exist. But he hated how mundane these conversations had to be between them.  
Because they literally had to be. Because they were both heavily affected by it. And because it was better than to not address it at all.  
It was good they talked about it but it was awful that they _had_ to.

“No,” Connor gave back faithfully, “Thank God.”  
“How are you feeling, other than that?”  
“I feel like shit,” he scoffed. Then, “But I’ll be okay.”  
“Connor Murphy, are you being optimistic?” Evan raised his eyebrows.  
“I am not, I am just realistic. I’ve had worse episodes. And I got better after those, too.”  
“I am incredibly proud of you.”  
Evan put down a filled plate in front of his boyfriend.

“I’ll probably fail all of my classes this year,” Connor said after Evan sat down in the other chair, another plate in front of him.  
“I disagree,” Evan shook his head.  
“I haven’t been to a single class for a week.”  
“You’re a quick learner, I give you two weeks until you’re at the top of your classes again.”

Connor had to admit, that was not wrong.  
God, if high school-Connor could see college-Connor, he would probably beat him up. College really made a different person out of him.  
College and Evan.

“How was your week?” Connor asked. It wasn’t until now that he even noticed that he didn’t ask Evan about his classes once in the past week.

_He is so considerate and you don’t even care about him, aren’t you ashamed of how you are using him?_

“It was alright,” Evan shrugged, “Oh, hey, my Mom invited us over for next weekend. I first wanted to check with you before I reply. But take your time with that decision, we could also just drive there another weekend.”  
“It sounds good,” Connor smiled, “I’ll see how tomorrow goes and decide then, is that alright?”  
“Sure,” Evan returned the smile.

When Connor took a bite from the pasta, he noticed how hungry he actually had been.  
Well, he had been aware of that the past two days, but he didn’t really care about it until Evan made him eat.  
“It’s really good,” Connor said and nudged Evan’s foot with his own.  
“Wanna know the secret ingredient?” Evan asked.  
“Sure.”  
“It’s loooove,” he then grinned.  
“Jesus Christ, you’re too corny, I take everything back, I want a divorce.”  
“At least propose before you ask for a divorce.”  
“Why don’t you propose?”  
“Because I have anxiety and would go up in flames before I could pop the question.”

Maybe he would propose for real someday, Connor thought.

“Are you done?” Connor asked after a while that they just spend sitting at the kitchen table, talking about everything and nothing. He pointed at the empty plate in front of Evan for clarification.  
“Uh, yeah,” he nodded.  
“Alright,” Connor said and carried the empty plates over to the sink, “Sorry, you were saying?”

Listening to Evan’s calming voice, he started with cleaning the dishes.

**Author's Note:**

> Midway through this, I noticed how I lost the ability to properly write angst. Anyway,,,,
> 
> I am currently writing on another TreeBros project, so if you enjoyed my writing feel free to leave a user subscription to get notified when I finally upload it! Also, feel free to check out my other projects!  
> You also may follow me on Tumblr (broadwaydumbass.tumblr.com) or Instagram (@hometownforest) if you want to :)
> 
> Comments are always highly appreciated!
> 
> Hope y'all have a great day, always remember you got through 100% or your worst days so far, and if these stupid self-doubts and intrusive thoughts bother you again, tell them, Lix said they suck!
> 
> Stay safe! ~ Lix


End file.
